“We are the creative force of our life, and through our own choices rather than our conditions, if we carefully learn to do certain things, we can accomplish those goals.” Stephen Covey
2021 was a massive year of change and letting go for me. It included letting go of my family home, my husband, half my hair from stress, my adult kids moving out. It was about letting go many expectations of how things should be – in life, relationships and business. I also at times lost my sense of humour .. and my need to be tough and in charge and have it all together.
On the flip side, there were so many discoveries and gifts in the spaces created through letting go – that we don’t see while we are holding on. If it were not for a number of resilience hacks and awesome friends and support – I may not have survived 2021 in one piece.
So here are my top 6 resilience hacks that have got me through – and like with most life skills – the more we practice, the luckier we get! Unless we master our brains, bodies and automatic stress and trigger responses – we are doomed to stay in survival mode and recreate our past. We end up doing what our brains are conditioned to do. How about retraining your brain with some practices to shift your experience of unexpected change and disruption – and empower yourself to create rather than react.
- Intention
John Keehoe, the guru of mindpower, states: “What we intend to, and pay attention to, become our reality”. When we set clear simple intentions and then pay attention to these on regular, daily basis, we encourage our brains to select and process the data we need to lead us toward that intention. Our brains can only process approximately 2000 bits of data per second out of the 400 billion bits of data per second it receives. Tony Robbins, one the world’s best personal results coaches, says: “Our energy flows where our attention goes”.
Be clear on your goals for 2022, and then pay attention to that, rather than focusing on what you don’t want, don’t have or are not enjoying or be so distracted by irrelevant noise, drama or false news that you have no energy left to create your future you.
- Imagination
Many research studies have shown that our brains don’t know the difference between imagination and reality. This is true whether we are imagining a potential stressful outcome or achieving our dreams. To help our brains recognize the breadcrumbs to our future dreams, spend time imagining feeling and being already there. If you do this in Alpha brain wave state (relaxed, alert state) you can directly access your subconscious mind and neural paths, making the change so much more effortless. The brain also loves pictures and will memorise multiple concepts through just one emotive picture than through words. Make your dreams, goals and state of being tangible, visible and memorable through vision boards, screen savers, journaling or make a movie of your future self, using images, affirmations and music. Place it in a spot that you see regularly and each time you remember what you are intending – imagine the feeling of how it would be if you already had it. Our emotions are a key to creating the life experience we desire. We are creating all the time – new neural paths, experiences, memories and automated responses.
Watch yourself – thoughts, feelings, actions. You will see what you are creating through repetition. Get good at cultivating a positive picture and emotional experience of your future – regardless of the current circumstance. We have to BELIEVE!
- Coherence
The HeartMath Institute defines coherence as “an optimal state in which the body, heart, mind and emotions are aligned and in sync.” A coherent state such as appreciation, calm, patience or confidence facilitates brain function and promotes optimal performance. An incoherent state such as frustration, irritation, impatience, worry inhibits brain function, increases the stress response and impairs both health and performance. If our heart (feelings) is not aligned with our vision for ourselves i.e. filled with doubt, frustration or fear, it will be very difficult to enable action toward your vision. We can choose to feel a certain way despite what we see or read about or experience. We can cultivate gratitude for what we have and what we are creating. We can also use breathing techniques to activate our heart centres and calm our automatic stress reactions. When we are calm and coherent, we can switch on both our creative ideation abilities to dream AND our rest and renew response to heal and regenerate. E-motion is energy in motion. Use your emotional energy to pull your desired future toward you AND to motivate you to take action.
Start practicing a calming, heart opening breathing technique and start a gratitude journal.
Repetition
The Hebbian Law states that “nerve cells that fire together, wire together”. This means that we can build new habits through repetition or “stopping” old habits. As Gary Player, the great golfer said: “the more I practice, the luckier I get”. If you want to think, feel or act a certain way, keep imagining, paying attention, and practicing thinking, feeling and behaving in that way – even when you don’t feel like it – until new automatic neural paths can be formed. To change deeply engrained default behaviours, we need to unlearn and create new, more effective ones. We cannot create the body of our dreams if we only lie in bed and imagine ourselves getting fitter and stronger. We need to make it a priority. As Angela Duckworth says: Enthusiasm is common. Endurance is rare! Imagine automating happiness, optimism, kindness or courage (or maybe healthy exercise and eating habits!). To change a habit, we need to repeat behaviour in a similar context every day for an average 66 days to make it permanent (18 days is the minimum). It may be uncomfortable initially as we build a new path (like beating a new path through thick bush), but the more the path is used, the more open and smooth it becomes. As Aristotle was know to say: “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.”
Create some good routines or habits to start, even if for just a few minutes a day
- Metacognition
We have the ability to observe ourselves (our thoughts, feelings, actions), pause and choose more empowering responses to life. We can learn to delay reacting emotionally to an external trigger (e.g. criticism) or internal trigger (e.g. craving), until we have more information, are calmer and can make better choices. Practice pausing, breathing, watching, reflecting, noticing your automatic or unconscious filters. Be mindful. Once you are calm and aware, then you can CHOOSE the thoughts, feelings and actions that will take toward where you want to go. Start your day with a few quiet moments, affirmations or meditation to set up your day with awareness, using the tips above of intention, attention, imagination, coherence and repetition. During the day activate your metacognition and stop negative or unproductive thoughts and feelings in their tracks through some self-guided words such as: “STOP, CANCEL, CANCEL”, “CHANGE”, “PAY ATTENTION”, “I CAN CHOOSE”. Then call upon an affirmation such as “I have all the time and resources I need to achieve my goals and dreams.” Or “I am the change I wish to see in the world”.
Use a daily journal to build your observational muscle by noting down all the helpful or unproductive thoughts, feelings or habits you noticed that day. You can also ask a friend to help you observe what you might be blind to.
- Refractory period (EQ)
We cannot learn or change in the stress response when our bodies are incoherent, upset, or in fear (flight, fright or freeze mode). Our perceptions are altered by stress chemicals and we tend to be more reactive, aggressive, negative, selfish and limited in our thinking. We will often say or do things that we regret later. This can often happen when we spend time together with family with high expectations, and disappointment and conflict can arise. When we are feeling anxious, frustrated or stressed, we can learn to manage our mental and emotional state through self-regulation, metacognition, coherence and choosing a new response as outlined above.
Take some time out, go for a walk, breathe deeply and know you can choose a different more positive response. This is emotional intelligence in action.
POWER OF CHOICE
The greatest power to influence or shift our behaviour and habits comes at the point of CHOICE.
Two extreme examples of the power to CHOOSE are the self-saboteur and the self-master. The self-saboteur is often unaware of their thinking, emotional state or impact on others; can struggle to control their emotions, words and actions; and tends to be reactive to triggers in their environment and easily distracted from their goals. The self-master on the other side of the spectrum is very aware of their thinking, emotional state and impact on others and is disciplined in managing their emotions, words and actions. They generally choose the appropriate responses to people or triggers in their environment that leads them closer to their goals or intentions. We won’t get this right every day, but we can focus on this more days than not. Who will you choose to be?