“Why is this coming up again?” “I thought I had dealt with that issue”
“I have not looked at this issue since it happened 35years ago”
Often my clients will use similar statements, feeling quite shocked at the emergence of a recurring issue. In my experience, when we go through loss or trauma it affects body, mind, emotion and spirit and it is probable that often the mind will be dominant and control the body, emotion and spirit as it is the minds job to protect and find solutions. The mind however is often threatened by the emotional pain and will block it or convince us it’s over. The mind then takes control of us and we become followers.
As an example. Liz came to see me as she was having an issue with her husband. He was drinking too much and when he has had too much he speaks down at her and makes her feel worthless. He does not understand her sensitivity. Her boss is also a bully and likes to humiliate her in front of other office staff. As for her brother-in-law he has never liked her or approved of her.
She was feeling tired, confused, and overwhelmed as this felt like life had it in for her.
I asked her when else in her life she felt this way? She looked at me strangely as if to say “what do you mean?” I asked her about her relationship with her father. She gasped and said, “Oh we do not have a good relationship as he has always spoken to me harshly and was always drunk and made me feel like I did not belong!” Boom. The light just went on. I reflected to her that it sounded like all the men in her life copied her perception of her father. I went on to explain to her that often when we are young, we do not have all the intellectual resources to understand adult behaviour, yet we feel everything. This makes the mind feel helpless as it cannot understand the pain we are feeling and needs to protect us.
The mind then unconsciously adopts a belief about self and life. Sometimes it even assumes and fabricates a story that would validate the amount of emotional pain we are feeling. Our minds then steer us away from the pain into survival, believing in an assumption for a very long time and leaving behind the trapped pain.
Within pain there is unfinished business and unmet needs and unacknowledged feelings. I liken it to a wound. The wound of not feeling loved and accepted, rejected, alone, and not good enough.
Our minds project these beliefs upon every man that enters our reality and it confirms our belief. A pattern emerges and we start believing our life is unfair.
If we do not voluntarily go to the wound with its unmet needs, unacknowledged emotions, and unfinished business, how can Life support us in our healing and growth?
The emergence is not punishment. Rather, emergence is a sign of something which has not been completed or healed. Only when we stop the mind from surviving, running away and trying this and that and we reassure the mind that it has not failed, do we allow ourselves to turn around and face the pain with our body, mind, and spirit, our inner resources and wisdom gained during this survival journey. We learn to listen, understand, and embrace the wound with care and compassion. We suspend the judgement.
We face the pain without blame or shame, finding the inner child that experienced the loss and rejection. We allow ourselves to understand the feelings and the mind and how the mind has been trying to survive. We can become the adult for ourselves, acknowledging, allowing, and releasing. We can take down the labels we have stuck on our chests with the false belief, like “Reject me. I am not worthy” and replace those beliefs with a new affirmative statement and belief. We stop the pattern from emerging in our lives.
Liz got it. She could embrace her wound. She developed self-compassion and was able to reclaim her power from her mind and bring balance back. She could allow other resources from within her to also emerge like choice, options, creativity and gratitude. She became her own father to her wound. She acknowledged the feelings, released the pain through journaling and letter writing. She played the role of mentor to her emotions and mind and her inner child. She emptied the full emotional files and other emotional files had space to release what she needed. What emerged was self-love, peace and forgiveness. She took time and healed the perceptions and her relationships with the men in her life improved. She is maturing her emotions. She is expanding her choices and inviting her spirit to guide her through gratitude and forgiveness. A holistic healing experience.
Next time an old pattern or reality emerges and before you become a victim, stop and see where it originated from. Perhaps life is presenting you with an opportunity to turn around and face the wound, to let go of the past by stretching the perceptions we have adopted about people, ourselves and circumstances. Asking ourselves in noticing the pattern.
“How else could I be seeing this?”
“What else is possible? Slowly expanding our perceptions and reminding us that we have more choices.
Emergence is a strange gift often wrapped with layers of past pain. To find the gift inside we need to take off the layers until we can appreciate the gift.
Feel free to contact me if you are keen to become Self-Aware.
