Vital skills for the future – Empathy
Empathy is not just a future skill. It is something I wish everyone had. It is something the world needs. So why do I say it is a vital future skill?
We have all read the research; leaders who master listening and responding with empathy will perform more than 40 percent higher in overall performance, coaching, engaging others, planning, and organising, and decision making.
Let that sink in.
In a world that has shifted, and is changing all the time, traditional, hierarchical leaders no longer flourish. They just don’t. But leaders with empathy show others that their feelings and circumstances matter. Being understood, heard, and accepted is key.
When I did my parenting courses, it was a lesson I had to teach parents too. Imagine this scenario… you are shopping with your partner, and you suddenly see a jacket that you just have to have! Unfortunately, you don’t have the money to spend on the jacket. Response one from your partner goes something like this, “Don’t even look at it. We can’t afford it and you know you can’t get it so just keep walking!” Response two, “Wow. That jacket is gorgeous! You would look incredible in that! I so wish we could buy it!”
Easy to know which response would sit better with you. Both responses are saying no, but a response like the second one makes you feel Understood, Heard and Accepted. I call it “UHA” moments, and for me, these UHA moments lie at the centre of empathy.
From when we are little, being responded to with empathy creates a much kinder disposition. No one likes being told no. It evokes feelings of rejection and often makes us want to challenge the person saying no, which is why children tend to keep asking, or nagging when told no. But if we are told no in a way where we don’t feel we need to convince the other person just how very much we want that thing, the no is softer and easier to accept.
Empathy is about letting other people know that their feelings are understood. It helps them to feel that their perspective is being taken into account and that they have been heard. And it ensures feelings of acceptance, rather than rejection.
Empathy is a vital skill. Full stop. But in terms of business and leadership, being able to recognise and share other people’s feelings is probably the most valuable tool in a leader’s toolbox. Empathy is a secret weapon, a competitive advantage for personal and professional success. Simon Sinek wrote about this in his “Start with WHY” book. Steven Covey’s 5th habit for highly successful people is, “Seek first to understand, before being understood”. There are so many books about it.
Empathy is important. And empathy can be learned. That may sound bizarre, because we tend to think of empathy as an innate quality in people. It is not. Empathy involves the following processes that are all shaped by learning:
- feeling another person’s emotions
- reasoning about another person’s perspective, and
- wanting to help, being concerned for, someone who is vulnerable or distressed
Empathy is about finding echoes of another person in yourself.
Mohsin Hamad
The best way to teach empathy is to try put yourself in someone else’s shoes. I know, we have heard that since we were young, but it is something that can be modelled and taught. Empathy can be taught from little. I used to say to my kids, “that will make you happy, but will it make your brother/ friend/ me happy?” It is about getting them to become aware of how you would feel if it were the other way around.
Fast forward 10 years… and we have adolescents. Stereotypically self-centred, but again, so important to get them to reflect on other people’s feelings and perspectives. As a parent, it can be equally challenging to show empathy to a teen who barely looks at you and whose communication style is reduced to mostly non-verbal grunts, but all the more reason to demonstrate it at this stage. Despite the cries of “you have no idea what it is like to be to be a teenager!” Empathy at this stage is about having a connecting response.
When for instance when you are late to pick them up and they get in the car with a mood like thunder, and you can feel the anger emanating from their pores, complete with insolent death stare, it is easy to say, “Oh for goodness’ sake, the traffic was bad and I just was a few minutes late. Don’t be ungrateful. Some kids have to walk!” Remember the UHA. “I am so sorry I am late, I am sure you are quite angry with me,” Takes a lot when our day may have been less than ideal, but try remembering empathy. It takes the wind out of the battle sails because they feel you get it.
Fast forward another 10 years and more, and we have adults, working. Empathy in the workplace is essential. It is vital to take into consideration how your actions – or inaction for that matter – affect those around you, and in the workplace, in business in general, this is fundamental to building a strong corporate culture. There has been a tremendous shift, exacerbated by Covid, towards a more people-centric way of working. Empathetic leaders have better relationships and increased productivity.
The simplest way to foster empathy is to be genuinely interested in other people and have compassion for their circumstances. It is to listen, actively. And these can be done with three simple sentences:
- I understand you
- I feel for you
- I want to help you
If we can teach people to say those three things, we will be fostering and demonstrating empathy. Building a culture of empathy creates psychological safety, which helps employees feel safe, comfortable taking risks and less fearful of making mistakes.
For organisations to be successful and have happy employees, leaders need the vital skill of empathy so that they have good rapport with their employees. When people feel understood, heard, and accepted, and see their colleagues as more responsive, increased productivity automatically follows.
